holga

it's a really random 18th birthday present, but i want a holga camera so much.

i love that the most beautiful thing about the images, is their imperfections.

got all these words, can't waste them on another.

i got my leavers ball dress, atlast. i don't wanna take any full pictures yet though, and they keep coming out awful. but you can see the pattern and ruffled bits here.



i also, got a haircut. finally. getting rid of the whole over my face annoying fringe look.



i'm in the last 4 months of living in oxford, and it's making me think about everything i've done, and everything i wish i had done. i have so many confessions and secrets it feels like they've built up. i need a fresh-start, free of this.

i'm sorry i never turned up that night, i never wanted to leave you standing there waiting, but then i knew you'd be better off without me.

another cliche rant

when i was in primary school, they asked us to fill out a questionnaire to judge our self confidence. they asked us, would you change anything about yourself, and what?
i answered yes, and everything.

i found this video from a summer 2 years ago on my computer
don't think i've ever properly sat and watched it, or maybe i just never noticed at the time. it actually made me cry just to see what it had actually done to me.

i read somewhere once, that a scientist believed it was just an abnormal gene that causes scoliosis, it's there from the moment you're born. then from then on you're just a time bomb, waiting for the day it starts to crush you. and there's nothing anybody can do about it, until it's got to a stage where it needs treatment. there's no way of preventing it, there's no full way of curing it, only delaying it.
i'm one of the most pro-surgery people you will meet, and that's a small minority it seems now. i can't go on the support sites without being bombarded with links to 'alternative treatments' and horror stories by people who really have no clue about it.




i have scoliosis, and i will until the day i die.
but i'm not going to let that tiny, little abnormality in my genes take anymore of the life i deserve from me.

i will always disagree with someone if they call me pretty or beautiful. 'cos i know underneath, is the scars from being sliced open, and literally having parts of me torn apart and holes drilled in me. i know the scars not pretty, and i know the lumps from the scoliosis are far from attractive.
but if someone asked me again, whether i would change anything about myself.
i'd say no.
'cos without this scar i have no proof i'm not the scared little girl i used to be. and without it i wouldn't be doing this.
so no, i'll keep my imperfections and be happy with my little abnormal gene.
'cos i am happy. and i have been happy ever since, as it's been a damn good two years. and things are only gonna get better
so love your imperfections, and live.♥

summer = new things
new sunglasses, £12.99, river island



bando hairband, £6.99, river island




i hate my nose in these photos. wouldn't it be amazing if you could just wake up for a day and not look like ET turned wicked witch of the west?

friday i handed in all ict and business studies coursework, which feels a-mazing not worrying about anymore! and there is only 3 weeks of textiles left until my final EVER exam.
i can see the end.. finally
i used to love textiles when i began it, but slowly over the past 2 years feel the loves been stripped away, and i now dread the lessons.

after the exam, there's nothing left until university, then forevermore it's designing clothes :)
it still doesn't seem real to be honest.
X